So.
I have been struggling with some thing for 5 years now. What started out as post partum depression has morphed into full blown depression. It has had a hold of me for a long time with this last year being the hardest - the strangling grip getting tighter with each passing day. I can fake it most days, getting out of bed and even getting dressed, doning some make-up and even a smile, but just below the surface is this terrifying fear and disabling feeling that can overwhelm me at any moment.
I do not handle change well, although I strive under pressure. I find myself waiting until the last minute to finish or sometimes even start a project and love the adrenline rush of the deadline getting closer and closer. But, I do not like it when things suddenly veer from my protected and well thought out plan or life and I suddenly find myself being forced to adapt to a situation or lifestyle that I did not choose. I do not like being placed in the middle row of a crowded movie theater or auditorium. I grow anxious when I am made to step outside my box and change directions or plans that make me uncomfortable or no longer allow me to be in control.
Because I am all about the control.
And things changed 5+ years ago for me. Rick and I chose to start trying to add an addition to our blended family. One that would include the best of both of us. But, of course I had my plans - I would lose a bit of weight and we would save a bit more money and.....Kari came along before either of those things happened. But, that was okay because with the support of Rick's family (mine was back East at the time and his mom was so excited to being having a new grandchild and would spoil me), we would get by just fine. And then Rick's family accused us of horrible things and this rift was created that widened when his sister announced that she, too, was pregnant. I began to feel more and more alone. But, the pregnancy went well and the delivery was even better bringing an incredible little angel into our family - Karin Rosemarie.
And she was such an easy baby. She nursed well and slept well and things went so well. Except for me. I was not well and it worried me and it worried Rick. I was overwhelmed with a new baby, new house, new middle schoolers, daycare, being overweight.....so, I started taking antidepressants. And they helped A. LOT. I know that my family didn't agree, but I felt better and that was all that mattered.
And things got better. Or so it seemed. But, into the start of the new school year, Rick changed jobs, the middle schoolers started struggling, my daycare started to crumble and I wasn't very successful with my weight loss. Then my sister starting going through her divorce and I found out I was pregnant - SURPRISE!
The downhill spiral started again when there were early complications and testing - every thing turned out just fine! - during the pregnancy, we pulled the middle schoolers to homeschool them and Rick switched jobs again while my daycare closed down with feelings being hurt and lies being told. Our ministry at church was also being challenged and that weightloss plan....wasn't going so well.
I tried to wean myself off of the meds during the pregnancy, but couldn't. I found myself overwhelmed and anxious and hormonal and pregnant, so I opted for a lower dose and to keep my sanity.
And in the midst of it all, our unexpected blessing was born - Noah Howard. He was not the easiest baby, but he settled in eventually and the other kiddos started to settle down, too. The middle schoolers moved on to be high schoolers and Kari started preschool. Cody started to excel in football and in school. Rick started yet another job, but this one was with a Christian company and in an area of his expertise - sales.
I even started to feel at home in our new house and our church. I joined a MOPS group and started attending MITI meetings again. I even signed on as a consultant for PChef. We also had new opportunites to start fixing up our house and planning for things long term.
Then Rick told me of the burden he had for us to move to MD and help my Dad with his business. To say I was shocked would be an understatement. I was not only shocked I was adamently against the move. Until I started praying and counseling with others about the move and the future. I was beginning to see the need for us to be in MD and the opportunties God had for us in making the move at this time when I had already had everything planned out for us. Once the decision was made, God started to move in ways that seemed impossible. But, we also had to face the challenge of leaving one of our children in TX, Devin - 15, newly pregnant, planning to place the baby for adoption and live with her mother for the first time in 5 years. It was not easy.
And arriving in MD to find things very different than we were promised they would be, feeling unwanted and intrusive, promises being broken repeatedly, the death of my grandmother, having our children struggle with drugs, school, weight issues and speech problems really overwhelmed me. I didn't want to come back to MD, back to what I felt was my past, being stuck in my parents' house, overweight and losing my children.
It has been a struggle for the last year to get out of bed and just function on a daily basis. I have not always done very well. Add to that the lastest physical back issues and you'll see I really have not done well. The house shows it, my children reveal it and my weight gain proves that I have let depression leave me unhealthy, lonely, disorganized and frustrated.
It has not been easy on me, my family or my relationship with Rick and most importantly, God.
So, I changed my profile picture** the other day. I did not do it to mislead anyone because the mirror certainly does not reflect what the photo does. But, I realized that one of the first things that needs to change, so I can heal, is the way I see myself. If I continue to see myself as that 30 year old new (again) mom who is overweight and struggling with so much instead of the newlywed, new mom of 3 (not single mom of 1) full of so much promise and excitement about the future I will never get well.
And I want to be well.
I need to be well.
I am going to be well.
And that has nothing to do with my situation and if it changes or stays the same. It has to do with me and my relationship with Christ. How I allow myself to see myself and if I realize that God sees me as His creation, fearfully and wonderfully made for a purpose and a plan.
This is going to be a long journey and I know that I will stumble and fall, but I want to start the journey for myself, my family and my God.
I owe it to all of us.
And I can see the future now. And it is good.
**at my VOX - www.typinginboldprint.vox.com
Skip one?
Eye of the Beholder - Sunday, Sept. 16, 2007
Wood You??!! - Friday, Jul. 20, 2007
Why Bother..... - Wednesday, Jun. 27, 2007
Just Keep Exsisting..... - Friday, Jun. 22, 2007
Happy Birthday Kar1-Be@r! - Monday, Jun. 04, 2007