Where do I even start?
My earliest memory is of a papoose, being bandaged and the outside of the hospital. I was 2 years old. I can't decide if it is a real memory or what my mind's eye sees after being told the story so many times.
I was on a glider and the plastic seat broke. I went under it and as it came back down it scraped my head. I got 20 stitches.
The next memory I have, I remember coming down the stairs to my Pop watching SpiderMan and telling me my mom had the baby. I remember sitting in the front seat of his green station wagon and barely being able to see over the dashboard as we drove to the hospital to see my new sister.
I remember all the regular kindergarten type memories and other memories of childhood, I guess. Mrs. McCorm1ck, ballet recitals, birthday parties, vacations and such.
I also remember lying in bed at night and just as I was about to fall asleep, I remember hearing voices. Angry voices. Loud, muffled voices. I could never figure out if they were real or just in my head. I never got out of bed to check if my parents were fighting. I guess I didn’t want to know. But, for years as I drifted off to sleep I heard the voices.
J0sh asked me once if I heard voices in my head sometimes, like before I fell asleep.
I said yes.
He asked me where the voices were coming from and I told him I didn’t know.
Now, my parents didn’t fight a lot, but they did on occasion and when they did, there was yelling. And the throwing of things. My dad also slammed and punched things.
But, not when J0sh was born.
And his father and I never fought in front of him. In fact, the first memories he has of his father are after he is three, because he really didn’t come see him until then.
So, where do the voices come from then?
I am not sure.
And do they affect J0sh now? He said that when he gets angry he hears voices and then he just snaps and can’t stop sometimes. Until it is too late. Like yesterday.
Lately he has been verbally and physically challenging R1ck whenever he tells him to do or not to do something.
Yesterday was no different. Except this time there was a physical altercation that ended with one having a split next to his eye and one having a severely swollen nose. Both of them have black eyes.
Attractive, I tell ya.
J0sh was just wailing away on R1ck and he was trying to restrain him. Then he had enough. So, he threw a punch. He was bleeding from his eye and J0sh’s nose was bloody.
I was literally sick to my stomach and crying.
So, what happens now?
R1ck said he needed to establish physical dominance. That J0sh thought he was afraid of him, since the last time he sucker punched him, R1ck did not retaliate.
I asked them if they felt better, if they thought this solved or proved something.
They both complained of headaches and slept a lot yesterday. I am sure they will feel worse today.
And what about when Josh goes to school on Monday? Teachers are going to ask what happened and I am not sure J0sh will say he threw the first punch or if it will even matter.
I do not want J0sh in foster care nor R1ck in jail.
And then there is Devin. She officially named J0sh as the father. Then she was in the X’s house yesterday alone with the 18 year old she skipped school with last year. My ILs went to pick her up for dinner and she wouldn’t answer the door or the phone. They called her cell phone and she had no idea they were in front of the house. They saw his car and she was busted. But, she lied and said his name was R0bert and that he was 17. She knew my FIL would kick his @ss if he knew he was 18 and in the house alone with his 15 year old pregnant granddaughter.
When R1ck talked to Dev1n and said he was going to call the boy’s recruiter (seems he is supposed to going into the A1r F0rce), she said she would cut him off, not come visit at Thanksgiving, not let us be there when the baby is born and not let him be at her wedding.
Whatever.
She had his number on her cell phone as ‘love of my life’. He said they only talked this one time, since she was upset and needed a friend. His cell phone history told a different story.
He also said he has never been with Dev1n and would do a DNA test. Yeah, I think we knew that, moron.
I mean, he’s been so truthful so far, we’ll just take his word for it. Not.
So, what do the voices mean and where do they come from? I am not sure because for me they were just confusing, but for J0sh they seem dangerous.
We need some serious help.
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These F-Words Make for an Interesting Entry ..... - Wednesday, Oct. 11, 2006
Has it Been 6 Years? Because You Look 19 Years Younger! - Thursday, Oct. 05, 2006
Fading into Grey..... - Wednesday, Oct. 04, 2006
Yada, Yada, Yada Yeah - Wednesday, Sept. 20, 2006
Whatever State This is, I Want OUT! - Friday, Sept. 15, 2006